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To come undone

I long for your misplaced, obedient, beating heart. Alone it searches among the runes of its yesterday's for a way back into the callous heart of the woman that no longer wants you.  Once I stood, heart in outstretched hand, pleading for you to love me. My red thread, unbound under your feet. If you had let me I would have taught you how to tie intricately beautiful knots to mend the frays and bring us together. But I couldn't tame your blind, bleeding, disobedient heart, and time couldn't heal you fast enough to keep you in my arms.

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Crooked smile

I fell for him because after the first night we had sex he held me and our bodies fit perfectly together.  I loved him because I could tell him anything about myself without fear of judgment. When he smiled it warmed my whole body not just my heart. For a short period of time he made me feel pretty and as though I was wanted. I miss those eyes, how one look could make me blush inside from head to toe. I miss the feeling of his lips against mine, the way he'd moan and become excited when I licked or sucked his bottom lip.  I miss his touch, his voice, the way he'd blush or become flustered with his...

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Rude awakening

I've come to the realization that none of the guys I've dated or talked to over the past couple month actually cared about me.It's so moronically cliche, but all they wanted was sex. Meanwhile I'm here using every last bit of my energy trying to find, make, and nurture a deep meaningful connection. I would share my whole horrible life story with these men, reliving past tramatic experiences, over and over, in the hopes that someone would see me, understand me, and connect with me.I was opening old wounds again and again without realizing the pain I was causing myself. All the while I wondered why I've continued to spiral into a deep depression. No one cared about me, I...

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Am I my depression?

Tonight I let my mind wander into dark places where my demons dwell. It plucked from old fields of ruin dead flowers. Harvested their seeds of doubt, and self loathing, and planted them outside the boundaries of depressions stronghold. Planted seeds of doubt destroying my hope for a lasting connection, for love. How weak my brain must be to self-sabotage so freely. How rotten it is to feel each seed take root, poisoning the moment, and to be powerless to stop it.   

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Ebb and flow

"The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." An ex told me that after we broke up. I hadn't thought about those words in years but now they're back to haunt me. He's the only person I've ever been completely in love with. I'd wondered if I would ever find someone so in tune with my body, heart and mind ever again and so far the answer is a resounding no, with a lingering, "Maybe some day?" 🤷 at the end. I love myself, but I'm not always kind to myself. Isn't that how every relationship goes? It's a tough love. It invites all kinds of mistakes because it leaves a margin for error. I'm a...

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