2019


Went to sleep at 7 woke up at 2 AM. I crashed. I've been sick and depressed.
I submitted a new colored pencil corgi portrait piece to my DA gallery. The corgi was wearing a red bandana in the photo reference I was given, but I was too afraid to draw it in because I worried I'd make a mistake. Which that in itself was a huge mistake. She looks completely unfinished. She's just a floating head with a disappearing jaw. I'm proud and let down by this piece and the guilt I feel now is eating at my insides. Is was a gift for a dear friend. I should have done more. 

At the beginning of the year, I bought an overabundance of art supplies with the end goal of making traditional art part of my business. I thought I would make pet portraits on commission, but I couldn't so much as force myself to work a single piece with enough consistency. It ended up taking me months to finish the corgi. Her blue merle and white fur was a challenge to draw and it was my first time attempting such a complicated piece. 

But still, it took me forever. The subject matter was truly challenging, however, the real reason I couldn't bring myself to work on it consistently was due to fear. I easily become paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. It prevents me from starting and finishing traditional art nearly ever time I sit down to make something new, which is why I lazily lean on digital art. 

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to let fear stop me from trying to reach my goals, but it's not that easy. It's physically draining just thinking about all of this. I feel like I'm going to need to climb Mt. Everest to achieve the life I dream of living. Some days I feel emboldened to continue the path that leads me to where I want to go but most days I'm just a 32-year-old trapped in a loveless marriage, who's dying inside, and can't muster the fucking courage to draw a dog