2019


Sat Dec 15, 2018, 3:20 AM
Went to sleep at 7 woke up at 2 AM. I crashed. I've been sick and depressed. Now I'm laying here trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and what direction I'm going to take my business in the next year. 

I'm missing a lot of opportunities by living in a tiny town in Iowa. I moved to this city almost 4 years ago. As it happens living close-ish to the largest city in my state doesn't help because I'm still trapped in the midwest where artists and individuality aren't exactly embraced or celebrated as they are on the coast. A long, complicated move to New York would be fun but I'm not sure if that's feasible.  

Before moving back to Iowa my dream was to live near the Blue Ridge Mountains. I traveled through Asheville once and completely fell in love with the area. Moving would require not only a divorce, but it would also require that I obtain full custody of my kid. I doubt he would let me have custody even though he hates being a dad. The reason he adopted her in the first place was so that we could remove custody from her abuser. I can't possibly regret that decision because the alternative would mean her abuser would have parental rights. If I died he would be given custody and have full reign to sexually abuse her again.

The farthest I might be able to move is back to my old stomping grounds in Cedar Rapids or to Des Moines which is where I spend nearly every other weekend. I need to move farther. I need to be near other artists, and culture in general. I need to get out of this miserable city. 

I submitted a new colored pencil corgi portrait piece to my DA gallery. The corgi was wearing a red bandana in the photo reference I was given, but I was too afraid to draw it in because I worried I'd make a mistake. Which that in itself was a huge mistake. She looks completely unfinished. She's just a floating head with a disappearing jaw. I'm proud and let down by this piece and the guilt I feel now is eating at my insides. Is was a gift for a dear friend. I should have done more. 

At the beginning of the year, I bought an overabundance of art supplies with the end goal of making traditional art part of my business. I thought I would make pet portraits on commission, but I couldn't so much as force myself to work a single piece with enough consistency. It ended up taking me months to finish the corgi. Her blue merle and white fur was a challenge to draw and it was my first time attempting such a complicated piece. 

But still, it took me forever. The subject matter was truly challenging, however, the real reason I couldn't bring myself to work on it consistently was due to fear. I easily become paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. It prevents me from starting and finishing traditional art nearly ever time I sit down to make something new, which is why I lazily lean on digital art. 

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to let fear stop me from trying to reach my goals, but it's not that easy. It's physically draining just thinking about all of this. I feel like I'm going to need to climb Mt. Everest to achieve the life I dream of living. Some days I feel emboldened to continue the path that leads me to where I want to go but most days I'm just a 32-year-old trapped in a loveless marriage, who's dying inside, and can't muster the fucking courage to draw a dog