Ebb and flow


"The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." An ex told me that after we broke up.

I hadn't thought about those words in years but now they're back to haunt me. He's the only person I've ever been completely in love with. I'd wondered if I would ever find someone so in tune with my body, heart and mind ever again and so far the answer is a resounding no, with a lingering, "Maybe some day?" 🤷 at the end.

I love myself, but I'm not always kind to myself. Isn't that how every relationship goes? It's a tough love. It invites all kinds of mistakes because it leaves a margin for error. I'm a work in progress. I think we all are, so it's ok to date, and be open if you're working on your own piece of the pie. And I believe that if they were the right person it wouldn't be the wrong time.

I wish I had thought to tell him that. It wouldn't have changed anything. Strange how we ended on ok terms, but hated each other in the years to follow. It was probably just resentment for not having been better for each other when we had those 8 years to try. So many unnecessary mistakes and unkind words only to wind up loveless, searching for what we shared only to come up empty for 7 years.. For 7 years I haven't loved anyone. 

"For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, "It might have been."

It truly is better to have loved and lost. At least I know it can happen, because at one point I felt it in my bones. I felt it when hovering my hand above the surface of his skin admiring how the light shined off of each of the little hairs of his arm that looked charming like Lambs Ear. I've never shared such a deep, exposed, intense level of unabashed intimacy with anyone else. Everything we shared was electric and beautiful and I felt it like a warm weighted blanket on my chest. I could shower naked with him and not feel like a goblin. I could sit with him in silence and not feel awkward or fill the gaps with nonsense. He made me feel beautiful, like every last imperfection was normal, validated and loved. It has been a very long time since I've permitted myself to think about it with this much depth.

It still hurts. It always will and that's ok, because it hurts in a different way now. I don't long for him. I long to love someone new but with a wiser better love and a stronger healthier passion that should lend itself to a strong more intimate connection.