They say we accept the love we think we deserve..


May 2019

When we are not shown love from a partner and still accept them, it may be because we believe that's what we deserve. So we try to make it work. Why? Because everyone has faults. It's easy for others to take advantage when we're depressed and easier for us to normalize a toxic relationship when we think we are the problem. It's easy to fall out of communication and to put up walls. It's harder to take fault, accept blame, be truthful, forgive, face our fears and demons, and to face others and their expectations. It's hard to admit that you can't hold a partner responsible for our own happiness, and you cannot be accountable for theirs. It's hard to see things from other's perspectives. It's hard to let go. 


I have been accepting of all kinds and degrees of love throughout my life. Recently I have worked through all of the above, and now I want what I deserve. But what do I deserve? What kind of love do I have to give? What should we factor into this painfully overused and vague quote? I have every last part of me to give. My love is mature, trusting, honest, passionate, caring, empathetic, unwavering, understanding, accepting and patient, and that's the kind of love I think I deserve. I'm willing to accept that love or something close. Perfection is a construct of a mind trying to create order in chaos. We owe it to ourselves to accept the greatest love we can give, flaws and all. Life is too short. 

But with all that said watch me fuck it up hard. Even when I put my head where my heart is there's a margin for disaster. There are seven billion people on the plant but during an average lifetime, you will only meet 10,000. How many of them will meet your specific requirements for a potential mate? I've sort of the done the math and it's utterly depressing. No one is perfect, we all just have to do our best, and hope it's enough. 

It's been a hard couple of days.. trying not to be too sensitive. Trying not to cry at the drop of a dime..trying to hold it all together and think of everyone else when I'm stuck on myself and how it hurts to breathe.